I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back