He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
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I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.