Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.