Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.