My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Dating After Heartbreak
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.