I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day