Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If You LOL At These 18 Tweets, You’re Probably A Terrible Person
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
If You’re One of These 12 Restaurant Customers, Your Server is Definitely Spitting in Your Food
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
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