I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.