2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?