Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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You don't know the capacity of my vagina
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol