Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.