I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know