See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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Your shirt... Was in my pants
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.