How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.