You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave