you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
