I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Your shirt... Was in my pants