Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits