He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."