Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.