Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
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Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.