You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.