You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.