Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day