She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...