Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
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Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
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Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.