Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.