Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad