Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"