I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.