You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.