He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
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two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
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you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.