your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.