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Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
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