Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in