Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
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Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
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My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
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