There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night