Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
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I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
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I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.