A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.