i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
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Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
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Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.