I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.