the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"