Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.