Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
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There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
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It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was