So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.