Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places