Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..