This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.