And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"