I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I have demons in me.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!