I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial