Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on