Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too