I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset