SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit