I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
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i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
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The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"