When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st