Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.