Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
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Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
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... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex