I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
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I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
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I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper