Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete