Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks