Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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