i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you inspire me to be a worse person
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Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
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I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.