I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
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I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
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Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out