I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight