So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
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It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
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Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.