My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag