i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married