Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.