Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i dont even know how to be here
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.