The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
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I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
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call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.