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i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
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