Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.