She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.