Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.