Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?