I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?